She looked on with a nervous anticipation, an anxious expectation of what was to come. She’d done this before, and she could do it again.
Feet to the floor, that’s all she had to do.
Feet to the floor, without the spinning of her room and the tunnel vision of her view.
Sitting up was the first step. The first step was successful.
Now she found herself looking on at what she could see – she couldn’t make it out: something, anything, or everything.
Every thought came swirling in her head, chaining her down impossibly to her bed.
The made-up path of existential dread – she couldn’t reconcile how it was all made up in her head.
Just like the thoughts of negativity when positivity is felt; never letting herself feel joy even when the good cards are dealt.
Toes to the carpet, that’s all she has to do.
Toes on the tile, that’s nothing new.
Yet she winds up in this struggle every morning, she winds up on this path that is her own doing, her brain, her mind’s own doing.
She wants to be be free, she needs to let go, and she doesn’t know she has the power to do so. To imagine herself – and the feelings that come with – embraced by the sun and the coolness of a breeze in the warmth of the heat, an unforced smile brought forth uncontrollably, a high rushing through her body completely naturally, a sensation of happiness and joy, positivity in the stream flowing through her thoughts and the non-existence of the word negativity.
She’s sitting upright.
She puts her arms over her head to stretch.
She’s sitting upright.
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
She can do it again today. She can find meaning in the day. The day has purpose. There is a reason to get up. There is a reason to do it today, just like there was a reason to do it yesterday, and like there will hopefully be a reason to do it tomorrow.
Her legs slide from the side of the mattress, the softness of her skin passing past the satin. Feet to the floor, she’s done it again.
No longer does the room spin, and her line of sight has widened.
She might not be ready for the rest of her life, but she’s ready today, and she’s ready for it to begin.
She’s ready for today.
ready for today to begin
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