I love time in the winter
Wintertime
The opposite of daylight saving time
Daylight killing time?
You can get home from work at 6pm
You can go to sleep directly then
“Did you know that’s called depression?”
Did you know I don’t care?
What happens when you’ve run out of motivation
And dedication
And commitment
And desire
To try something new
Or keep up with something else
When your basic needs are met
And there’s so much in the past you regret
That’s gotten you to the point you are now
And
And yet
You can’t do anything to change it
…or you won’t do anything to change it
The energy you used to have
The joy things used to give
Not too much to die
Not enough to live
The overbearing weight of it all
The world that rises
The words that fall
Micro
Macro
Stand, walk, run, and fall
Before giving up on it all
What to do after giving up on it all
All needs satisfied
Except what to do with our lives
A blessed place to be
Unless it’s for me
Give me a happy ending
Or any ending
That means something
Between myths and by dreams
No more legends it seems
Truths bearing
Fiction and fates failing
To succeed means
Many more things
Than I could ever give or say or state or know
Trailing
Always feels like I’m behind
But looking ahead
Traveling slower than time
With too much tread
To start over new
With all the things that I knew
Impossible
Even if life could give that chance
When falling apart
To hold such a stance
But the worst thought is
What if it’s a state and not an action
A noun and not a verb
“Falling apart” suggests change
Not homeostasis
If I run out of stamina
And I can no longer chase this
Whatever this is
I don’t know anymore
If I ever knew before
I guess it only matters
And only makes it worse
If I actually knew before
What it once felt like
To have hope for tomorrow
To be restless
Not listless
And to be fine not to follow
But there is no leader
And there is no path
I wish I could see
Or I wasn’t so lazy
To tell my own
To make my own
A kingdom come
Dethroned
Leaving me to my own
No directions to guide
No sins to atone
I wish I had an answer
To which way I should run
Was Today a Good Day?
Day 1 – Was today a good day:
Day 2 – Was today a good day:
Day 3 – Was today a good day:
Day 4 – Was today a good day:
Day 5 – Was today a good day:
Day 6 – Was today a good day:
Day 7 – Was today a good day:
Day 8 – Was today a good day:
Day 9 – Was today a good day:
Day 10 – Was today a good day:
and on… and on… and on…
Everything is a reaction of a reaction to a reaction from a reaction for a reaction.
Since the beginning, we’ve been constantly and consistently reacting and evolving and reacting to stimuli and revolving toward the end.
It was odd: I was biking along the street, in a dedicated bike lane, going through an intersection (where, technically, I guess supposedly, there is no longer a dedicated bike lane). I was going straight, and an 18 wheeler was turning left, both with the green. I was in the right of way to go straight, and the 18 wheeler should’ve checked their surroundings before turning left. I was cautious, aware, and alert, and slowed down, although even without slowing down, I likely would’ve been fine from where I was. Had I been 10 seconds ahead, of all the things that led me to being at that point at that moment that morning, had I been 30 feet ahead, things could’ve been different. And the thought serenely washed over my face: I could’ve gone out instantly, without much knowing, without much pain, and in the right of way, doing something I like and am known to do. By the time I was having this thought, it all already would’ve been over. How pleasant was that. How pleasant that would’ve been. Normally there’s a moment of, “I think I wished it’d happen, but I’m actually glad it didn’t,” but there was none of that this time. Do I want to do it? I’m not sure. But someone else would’ve made that decision for me. Life would’ve made that decision for me. A reaction to a reaction to a reaction, revolving toward the end, until the rubber no longer revolves on the road and I’ve met my final destination.
It’s funny, after that I thought how life is like a game of Sonic. Life is just gaining and losing gold coins, over and over again. Over. And over. And over again.
It’s Just Not Your Day
Sometimes it’s just not your day
You don’t know what it is, what is going on, or why it is happening
You just know it’s not your day
You may have noted this immediately, or it may have taken you some time to know this
It’s just not your day
And sometimes it may even be a week, it may even be a month, or a year
Or it may be mixed in with other days throughout the week
And it may extend like this for months throughout the year
It may even change from moment to moment multiple times within a day
For seemingly no good reason
Or be a single, sudden, abrupt changeover
And the day is gone
For. Seemingly. No. Good. Reason.
Stop
Think
What are you trying to say?
Writing Your Own Ending
For all of my shortcomings, I no longer care about making myself a better person
For all of the world’s inequalities, I no longer strive to make it a better place
For all of the emotional pain a person can endure, I do not actively wish it be inflicted upon others, but I no longer actively hope it does not
I have arrived to this point, like how I wish I’d have arrived to the end
Instead
Replace the inst with d
Living passively seems like it would be living peacefully
I hope to remove all hope from my life
Only then can I live without strife
Another time to get up just to go down
Each time the despair grows
I wish it was overwhelming for me to the point I could make that decision
To where it’d be a no brainer
To have no brain
I wish it was overwhelming for everyone
Every time I fool myself to get my hopes up again just to go down
I’m left more numb than before
Paralyzed, where do I go from here?
Empty, what do I do?
With the void inside, the call of the void gets louder
Every time
How is it not overwhelming for everyone?
I’m envious, jealous, and at this point passively hateful
I’m envious, jealous, and not ashamed of this
At least it’s not as bad as being aggressively hateful
Let it grow and envelop the world until despair overshadows hope
Let it grow until it overwhelms
The two options are to keep your head up or to wallow in misery
The third option is to cycle between the two
The fourth is to rhyme with the first syllable
If I’m living in hell, how can hell be worse
If I’m filled with void, how can the void be different
In the meantime, I’m going to wallow in misery
Until I decide, be swallowed by self-pity
What does giving up even look like otherwise
Unless it’s the ultimate form of giving up
Can I passively make that decision
Passively make it happen
Please, higher deity, passively make it happen
For me
Release
Release from my hope
Release me from my hope
Worse and Worse, Each Time
There is no permanence in life
Therefore, it follows there is no permanent joy in life
After all, if there was permanent joy, would you ever be able to tell the difference?
Conversely, there is no permanent despair in life, either
But then how come it always feels like there is
When you’re in the middle of it
The only permanence is the end
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