Black Tint Shades

04-18-2021

Black tint shades
Autopilot
At dinner with my parents
No emotion
5-HTP
Serotonin
Ted Talks on depression
Writing this while driving
But I’m not stressin’
Guess I should’ve learned my lesson
Go against who I think I should be
No man, no myth, no legend
In conflict with who I see
What others see
I can’t be objective
Am I good
Am I bad
Do others think I’m good
Do others think I’m sad
See me for who I really am
One day I hate me
And one day I love me
Just like one day the sun’s out
And the next day it’s dark out
Can I just blackout
And slow down
Slow down on the self-pity
And the lifestyle that makes me forget me
Who I think I should be
Even though I don’t know me
Is who I think I should be right
Probably
Probably should be better than who I am today
But it’s just easier this way
To never change
Talking about how everyone is just trying in life so you can’t really judge
But I don’t think I’m trying anymore
So does that make me free to judge myself?
Maybe I’m not free
Maybe I’m too free
But I do know I am naive
To think things would be different this time
When I did nothing to change
And I never did try
That the clouds wouldn’t come back around
That the sun wouldn’t set below the horizon seemingly permanently underground
Back to ground zero
Maybe two steps back
Definitely something about the definition of insanity
In conflict
Without reconciliation
This ride’s almost come to an end
Roads I know so familiar
I’m not looking when I’m speedin’
Cruise control at 5:40pm
The app shows the sun is out for two more hours but I don’t see it
‘Cause of the black tint shades
That I find myself once again wearing
Even though I see my eyes in the rear view mirror
Sight clear
Vision clearer
Breath smells of death and one too many beers
Kid Cudi singin’
Hands on the wheel
Doin’ my thing
I’m so tired of doing my thing and only thinking of me
I’m so tired of thinking
So I’m committed to the drinking
The good times they are just killing me
Modest Mouse playing
I’m always just playing
Just saying I’m going to change
When the only sense of semblance of being off balance is changing lanes
Drifting through life
Not swerving
Lack of construction on these roads keeps me from learning
And being comfortable with my life keeps me from yearning
Although, to repeat
To belabor the point to the point of defeat
I don’t like who I am
I don’t think I am a good person
I’m a fake, even writing this
Not naive, like I said above
Trading clouds for clout
Manipulative and selfish
Writing this solely for me
With the intent of what will the audience think about me
I just wish someone was directing this traffic
On the road
In my mind
I can’t see how to get there
Is there a blind spot on my side
There’s somewhere I want to be
And although all these roads look familiar to me
I don’t know where I’m going
But I’m searching for something
I’m searching for
I’m searching for nothing
If I keep up this charade of a facade
Have I used that line before
I’m so full of lines
Escapism in its finest form comes in the finest lines
If it’s not good, I still welcome it inside
I know it’s not good, but I still welcome it inside
I can see what’s behind me
But I don’t know what’s ahead
Just the words right now that are flowing through my head
It looks like flashing lights but I can’t be for sure
With my damn black tint shades
That I put on myself
I pretend that I’m more enlightened now
But I’m more blind than I was before
Lie to myself and try to lie to others
Does anyone see through the charade of a facade
Now I’ve definitely reused that rhyme
And built this shitty poetry on self-pity and wasted your time
But what do I care if I only care about mine
I just want to take off these goddam shades
But what incentive do I have to change
No motivation
No dedication
No one to tell me no
Except my own happiness
That is in conflict with my own ego
Never to reconcile
But I know it’s time to let go
No commitment though
Self-will and will power at an all time low
Circles to another layer below
I’ve lost sense of what I’m writing
Just like the life that I’m living
What for I am striving
This car while I’m driving
Nothing for I am striving
It’s apathy when you don’t care to be trying
To better yourself
To better myself*
It’s a race till I’m dying
Yet then when I feel sick
I feel like crying
Is this just a rehash of the themes from my old writings
Just like my new days are a rehash of my old
The story’s already been told
There’s nothing left to unfold
Motives and motif
One doesn’t exist
And the other’s getting old

There’s an eternity to not e___t
So there’s no reason not to continue trying to live to get old

10-10-2020

Where can I find the inspiration when I don’t have the motivation and don’t feel the need or even the want for dedication
Apathy and no place to be since I don’t even know of a place to go, what to do with my life, what journey, what path, what road
There’s no map and no manual
No instructions on how to fill my soul
When I’m feeling lonely and oh so alone
I’m always feeling lonely and oh so alone
Even when packed with people in a crowd with friends or with a crowd on a phone
I’m always feeling lonely and oh so alone
Right now I can’t even be with a crowd in person
And I don’t know how to be on my own
Even though I’m on my own all the time
The irony is not lost on me
Everyone cares for everyone in person until they don’t
When push comes to shove and you get pushed and shoved
Your feelings, your happiness, your wants and your won’ts
I don’t even know how to handle this
A reaction to the non-scandalous
The monotony
The mundanity
Knowing there is no deity
Knowing there is no purpose
I don’t even know how to handle this
These little things that come in life and boil up into bigger things
Water overflowing
Off the edges
Like a waterfall
Off the side
Into the heat
Off my feet
As I fall
And I go
To heaven above or hell down below
If either existed
Maybe we’re there right now
I feel like we’re there right now
Heaven today
Hell tomorrow
Heaven this hour
Hell the next
Why is my mind like this
Like that
Send a text
Exit
And I’m out
Out of this relationship
That started with so much promise
Now it’s time to quit
Like life
Now it’s time to quit
Drop me into the pit
What a shit rhyme
But I’m so sick of it
There’s no main purpose or point to any of it
To any of this
So maybe I’ll keep writing till I can slice and dice and fake some shit out of it
Nice, I’m nice
I promise, I swear I’m nice
Or not
I lied once, then twice, and thrice
Fuck your feelings
And fuck your life
Is what I say in the mirror
Looking at a face
Maybe mine
If I can’t recognize myself
In due time
It will all be over
Falling off this line
Falling out of line
Happiness encapsulated in a line
That I uncapped
And inhaled this time
Just trying to find relief
For my mind
But the next day I wake up
And it’s gone with my
And it’s gone with my
It’s gone with my
What’s the next line?
What’s the next move
I cleared out that text
Can’t respond yet
Have no future that I care about
The present’s not done yet
Regrets in the past
When someone says live life with no regrets
I say fuck your namaste bullshit motto fake ass fake fuck shit
This is not what you get
Living life with no regrets is not what you get
But I get it
It’s some shit you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about how much you hate yourself and how much you regret
Sure, this is self-loathing and maybe on the verge of self-pity
But fuck what you have to say
I say, looking in the mirror when I wake up every day
I’d say in the morning, but sometimes it takes more time than that to get out of bed
To find the inspiration and motivation and dedication to live life and not want to be dead
Some call it existential dread
I don’t put labels, I just say sometimes I want to be dead
So if I can keep typing and writing
Maybe that will help
From 2:13 to 2:27 I’ve gotten 632 in
Now what if I edit
And what if I can’t speak
These words to life
I doubt it
If I can’t speak my own will to life
Why even try
If I can’t speak my own will to life
Then I will die
So I guess I have to try
But why, God, why
So here I go
Or some bullshit
Some other self-help saying that does nothing but make the self-help author make money
Fuckin phonies
But I can’t look or judge
When I myself am a fuckin phony
Not for writing this
But for looking and judging just to begin
But for lots of other reasons
Too
To be sure
To be certain
And that’s just it
And that’s just it
And that’s just it
This life has no reason
And here I am, sitting, writing, breathing
Don’t know what to do next
Other than these bullshit ways I find to keep myself busy
Preoccupied with some shit I have to do next that really doesn’t matter
We have to make meaning in our own lives, I guess
Cause everything really doesn’t matter
And I guess that’s the issue when you live your life like nothing matters
But it’s hard to find something that does
Maybe a person, place, or thing
Fuck nouns, but maybe a person, place, or thing
Is enough to keep on living
I have some nouns in my life, but still
You forget about them
And then it doesn’t make sense to keep on living
I’ll keep on going because it feels good
Writing, not living
But I want to stop and get onto that next busy
A quote unquote good type of busy
Whatever the fuck that means
Almost at a thousand
I want to go back to my dreams
To sleep, when I don’t have to think
Eternal would be great
I don’t want to die
But I want to go to sleep
Eternal
Forever
That would be great
Eternal
Forever
Wake me when it’s time to celebrate

Wake me when it’s not too late
Always punctutional
Always on time
Always balancing some will against fate